Thursday, July 22, 2010

You Are Invited... my pity party. Be forewarned. I'm in a blue mood today.

When I was in Florida last week, I got up at 7 am every morning excited about my run, whether it be 2 miles or 4 miles. I looked forward to the sun shining brightly, its heat on my back. It was the best part of my day. Regardless of whether I went to bed at 10 pm or 2 am, I always set my alarm to 7 am and awoke promptly at that time, got dressed and ready, let the pugs out on the patio, and took off on what I truly felt was my own personal time.

I can't even begin to write just how much I miss it. It literally brings tears to my eyes to think that I won't be back there until October at the earliest. I won't be back for any more summer runs in the neighborhood; no more throngs of summer tourists crowding the malls, restaurants, and parks; no more intense summer sun tanning; no more Florida for a long while. I feel so homesick and it's not really even my home.

Because of certain circumstances that I'll go into some other time, I feel like I'm in a constant state of missing someone, some place, or something. I suppose that's the very definition of loneliness---longing, always feeling removed, displaced, misplaced. Sometimes I wonder when/if that will ever change, when my longing will ever be satiated. I think this has a lot to do with what I've been told is my obsession with food. Food tastes good, and it fills me. It's the only hunger I feel I have the power to satisfy right now. But food isn't what my heart really wants. It's a temporary remedy, a bandage. I turn to food like an old friend. I find comfort in eating because for about an hour, I feel satisfied. Luckily, I also turn to exercise. Running makes my heart beat. It makes my lungs work. It makes me feel like I'm living. But the food part is what keeps me from achieving the fitness level I know I can achieve.

I registered for the half-marathon because I wanted to change that. I wanted to focus on training and reaching a goal that, until now, seemed like an impossibility. But it's not easy to rip the bandages off, especially when circumstances are still the same, when you still need that crutch, that old friend to turn to. But I am trying.

For me, losing weight and getting healthy isn't as easy as following a few simple rules and being motivated. I only have 15 pounds to lose and it's easy to become complacent. I understand that some people might not find what I have to say on this blog to be useful in their own journeys. Some people might think it's a waste of time to read a blog about someone who is, for the most part, relatively fit and in the healthy BMI category trying to lose a few extra pounds while indulging in cupcakes and other "bad" foods and, worse, posting pictures of them. But, to those who are reading, it's not just about the weight or vanity.

This blog is about my personal struggle to achieve my best self. It's about finding the courage to change the things I can, as the prayer goes, even when I can't change anything else in my life (for now). It's about proving that I CAN become what every mean kid in elementary school (I actually was the fattest girl in my class for many years) thought I would never be---worth a second look, worth their friendship and respect, worth choosing.

Sorry for the vent. On to more positive posts tomorrow!


Today was my rest day. Tomorrow I'm going to either run 2 miles or so some other exercise.


I've actually eaten very well all week. No fatty treats, no junk. We'll see what the scale says!



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